I'm killing myself...

• I'm self-destructive

Now I don't mean this like in a drug or alcohol way. That's not how I'm killing myself. I'm killing myself, but not giving a shit about school and my future. I kind of drift through school, getting pulled this way, pushed that way. I couldn't care less about homework and although I really want to get great marks for exams, I end up with average marks. I want to study two weeks before the exams to really know my stuff, but I end up cramming at the last minute. And to be honest, I don't see much of a future for me if I keep doing this. Everyone dreams of a nice job with lots of cash flowing in. It's one of those things everyone dreams about. And while most people don't achieve that dream, they do end up with a comfortable income. I can see myself slaving away at some manufacturing job. At this rate of self-destruction, that's how I'm going to end up. And I don't want to end up that way.

So why an I self-destructive. Why do I shoot myself in the proverbial arse? I spent a lot of time mulling over this and I can to the conclusion that it's my way of rebelling against my parents. Some teens go gothic, get drunk, try drugs, get pregnant (or make a girl get pregnant), but I fuck myself up, metaphorically of course. I'm not the outwardly rebelly type of person. On the surface, I'm a "good kid". But all that teen angst and hatred have to manifest themselves somewhere and in some way, however small. So unconsciously, I drift away when it comes to schoolwork and the future. I don't give a fuck about it. And in doing so, I screw myself up and my future is looking bleak. Fucking hell...

Of course the main reason for doing all this is to make me a better person. I don't want to end up in a shitty low-paying job. No one does. I have the chance to have a better life and I'm throwing it away. *sigh* The changes won't be easy, but I have to do something in order for me to avoid a shitty future. More next time.