Such a despicable time...

So here I am, it's past 11pm, and I'm making sure a little scam of mine is going to work. I assure you it's nothing illegal, merely...bending the rules a bit.

So what to do to past the time? Study? Nah. Chat on MSN? Not me. Read Wild Swans? Hell no! So instead I opened up my friends' blogs and read them. It strange in a way. To me, most of them seemed a bit like mine. A bit of personal life, what's going on and the odd rant against the world and its injustice. The others are more like cries of anguish and pain, wondering if where is light at the end of the tunnel and even if it exists at all. A different person, with less knowledge of modern school life, may be wondering if the said bloggers are considering suicide. But I know the feeling, if briefly. The feeling that you're out of control, that events control you rather than the other way around. The dark dank despair that gushes up and flickers across your vision, making things murky, making it hard to distinguish between friend and foe.

For me, I seem to have adopted a devil-may-care attitude to the future. In one sense, I'm digging my own grave unless I really start doing something to get decent marks. But I do feel less stressed, less despair. Problems come and go, and I flow with them. Obviously I try my best to avoid getting stuck in problems, but if I'm caught by the storm, then the only thing I can do, or anyone can do for that matter, is to ride out the storm and hope you remain in one piece at the end. But in a situation where time is running out, and there are dark times ahead, can I really afford to be so carefree? Possibly not.

But I really believe that a balance must be achieved in some way. To stress and despair about life is bad for your health in general. Questions are asked that cannot be answered. Going with the flow rather than paddling against the tide seems a much better alternative. Of course that's just me speaking. I hate conflict. It really gets on my nerves and gets in the way of things. That's why, to this day, I have never had a full-blown argument with my parents. I accept my fate as passively as possible. One may think that such passiveness is not such a good characteristic. One needs some fight, some mongrel, in them. To rise up when life pushes us down. Sometimes I dream of what have been if I had been a bit more assertive, a bit more aggressive and a lot less cautious.

But those days are gone. I am who I am. I cannot force myself to be someone else. So I do things my way, avoiding attention, attracting obscurity. Thank god for Wikipedia. It can be such a distracting thing against the flow and ebb of life.