Break something

A bit late in posting this, but I needed time to cool off. Doing things when emotions race around my head has never appealed to me, and it's probably going to lead me to do something stupid later on. Just imagine. Wait...no don't.

Anger. Sheer, white-hot anger. There have been many times in my life when I have been driven to fury. Most of it came from the usual parent-child conflict. Me wanting something, only for it to be denied. But lately, another incident made me mad. It was a tiny incident, in retrospect, with some unreasonable behaviour thrown in...but, what suprised me what some angry and fustrated I felt. It took me a few days to calm down and even now I'm suprised that my anger could burn for so long on so little.

The incident started when we were playing cricket. It wasn't serious, some little fun as we had no bat and we used one of Tom's books as bat. Cheap, yes, but it was fun and brought about some hilarious moments. Then Long just stands up and starts yelling in a mix of Chinese and English, going on about this wasn't the proper place to play and he started to drag the bin around. I was suprised by his bout of unreasonable behaviour and simply put it down that he just could hack some fun around him. But at home, I just felt so angry at his actions. Not the proper place to play? I could list a littany of things that he's doing that's not proper.

Regardless, I have been reminded of other times I have been furious about something. But what stands out for me, is that I never really lashed out, never properly released my pent-up anger. I guess that's just me. I'd rather not get into emotionally-charged arguments, I seek to avoid them. If that means I have to lose the argument, so be it. Also, I never really found an outlet for my anger. I would just sit and sulk for a while, and then get on with life. Of course, this begs the question, would it be different if I had? Would life be different if I hadn't backed down? Would I be different if I was more firm? My only conclusion would be that I would be different. I would probably have ended up more ill-tempered and grouchy.

As I type this up, I've been reading Land's blog. She too states she can get angry, though to be honest I can't visualise Land being angry. Nevertheless I don't think I'll ever try to get her angry. Who know? The results could be...intimidating.

For me, my anger seems to verge to the knife's edge to action. Every time I get angry, I feel pumped up, I'm ready to do something, like punch something, anything. Instead, I force my self to sit down and get on with it. Is it some subtle influence through my life that I force myself to take a rational approach to life? Certainly, it's not healthy. Ah, such decisions and deep thoughts.

Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
-T.S. Eliot